I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
did i walk over a car last night?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
