now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
