you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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