I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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