I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i think my cat just said my name.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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