I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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