from now on my penis is your penis
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
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