there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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