just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
