Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
