You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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