Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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