Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
