Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
then he tried to convert me to islam
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
