apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just gift wrapped bread.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
