I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
