Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
