She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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