Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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