I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
