dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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