fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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