This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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