Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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