my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
