I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
