I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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