I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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