It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
