i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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