Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
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Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
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scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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