Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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