What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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