She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
