Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
