I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Oh god it's open bar.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
