mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
