I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
