Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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