If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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