Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
