He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
