She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
