my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
