I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
be right there i have to get my cape
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
