life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Pooping to opera.
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