i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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