she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
