I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
