I just threw up on my dentist
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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