A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
