the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
