Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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