The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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