if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
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The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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