Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
