I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
